NÓI NHƯ MÁY!

GPS

Attention puny humans! Mouthy machine gives new meaning to back-seat driving.

I recently spent a week trapped in a car with a blabbermouth machine.

It was a yakky GPS, a satellite navigation system that came on the dashboard of my rental car in the States. I’ve used these machines briefly before, but this was the first time I’ve spent several days in one’s company – and it left me ready for a week in a Buddhist Silence-mobile.

If you haven’t ridden with a GPS, it’s a gizmo that gives you directions by satellite as you drive, barking out directions every 50 yards that it somehow locates from space.

“You are on G street. Turn left at 3rd Avenue in … one block! … Half a block! … 50 yards! … Five yards!! … TURN NOW!!

“NO-ooo … you missed it, you idiot.”

Okay, it doesn’t actually say that last bit – it just pauses and politely announces: “RECALCULATING ROUTE!” That’s machine-speak for: “You missed the turn again, numbskull. I don’t know why you humans are allowed to drive.”

On the plus side, these motor mouth motor vehicles are fabulous for getting you around strange cities – even a directional dolt like me can’t get lost. But the downside is that it’s like having a full-time back-seat driver in the front seat – one who never shuts up.

There were three of us in the car that week, but we barely spoke a word in four days – because the machine was too busy yakking. When we did occasionally talk among ourselves, it always sounded like this: Person 1: Do you think the machine is right? It wants to go right, but I’m sure it’s faster to go straight. Person 2: Yeah, I think so, too. Forget the machine – let’s go straight! Machine: Turn left … TURN LEFT NOW! … I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG, puny humans!

After a while, you stop talking at all because the know-it-all machine is always right – and you don’t want to interrupt its “thinking.”

Until recently, I’d always fantasized about a future of talking machines, for instance a toaster that announces: “Your muffin is ready sir,” – just like an old-fashioned butler.

Or a clock that whispers gently: “Waa-a-ke up Josh … Jo-sssssh.”

But now that I’ve spent three days with this mouthy machine, I’ve got lots of reservations about where this could lead.

Many GPS machines already come in different languages for different nations, each with its own national personality. The British machine is more polite than the U.S. one – and says things like: “Excuse me sir, you have just passed your recommended turn. If you wouldn’t mind, please look for an opportunity to correct your route and make a legal U-turn ... Jolly good!”

The one in France is probably snootier. “Mais voila! – vous avez manqué la sortie encore un fois … espèce d’imbécile!’

But soon these machines will come with any customized voice and personality you want. For instance, they could sound like:

GPS KID: Yo dad! Turn left at the first corner … AWESOME! Now hang a right at McDonald’s … He-ey dude – can we stop for a Big Mac?!”

Or, GPS SPOUSE: “Okay, honey, turn left at the next corner … in 20 yards … in 10 yards ... Hurry! – the light is changing! … NO! Don’t speed! … Oh honey, you missed the light! Why didn’t you hurry up like I said?”

Gradually these machines will offer more and more advice whether you want it or not, like those seat-belt warnings that beep incessantly the nanosecond you start your engine. You’ll be driving home from a party when you hear:

“ATTENTION! THIS IS A GPS SAFETY ALERT. ATTENTION! You are driving with your bright lights on – and may possibly be blinding an oncoming driver. Also, you are now driving 59 km/h in a 55 km/h zone … Please slow down immediately.”

“I repeat: PLEASE SLOW DOWN NOW! – or I will issue a ticket ... Beep … Calculating infraction. Beep …That’s a $247 ticket, puny human.”

Once we get used to talking cars, what other blabbermouth machines will be coming our way? I can already imagine:

The IKEA Talking Furniture Assembly Kit, that tracks your progress live by satellite as you assemble your shelves by GPS-guided instructions.

“Place first screw in top right hole of cabinet frame … No! NOT the five-inch grommet screw … the four-inch bolt, dolt.

“Attention! You have placed the screw in the wrong hole again. RECALCULATING assembly method ... Estimated time to completion at this rate: 26 days. Shall I call a carpenter?”

Eventually, machines will do all the talking, while the only thing that will have a mute button on them is us humans. And you can bet the machines will use it.

Josh Steed,

The Gazette.

Have a good day and a good laugh!

DLX